Life Lessons from my Korean Family
In the theme of celebrating AAPI Heritage Month, as well as Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to touch on the uniqueness of our culture in modern-day living in the US, from a first generation Korean-American, queer, non-binary, business owner in Washington DC.
In the beginning of the month, I had the intentions of writing weekly blogs about lessons I learned from my immigrant parents and grandparents, however, things did not get off the right foot, and on May 15th, my grandfather passed. So to honor him and celebrate his life, here’s my perception of life, meaning and a little love from my experiences to yours.
On May 2, 2022, I took my dogs (Charlie & Churro) to the National Arboretum. I went with the intention of relaxing peacefully in the fields… but that did not happen. It was the first time we had gone to the Arboretum this spring, and it was chaotic, but in the cutest way. We hadn’t been back since the new year when it was gray, cold, the air was so dry, and all plant life consisted of the branches and skeletons of these beautiful beings. So to be back in our special place with nature in full force, it was a spectacle of beauty. Then, my discover weekly Spotify playlist playing in the background was on fire. Like it was just perfect, every song had a symbolic theme to the journey I was about to go on.
Coming back to the arboretum I was ready to be in a new environment to help me with ideas to write for AAPI Heritage month, so with the intention of laying down and relaxing, it quickly turned into Charlie pooping as soon as we got out of the car to Churro sprinting to the hills and getting caught & tangled in his own mess. Quickly two things changed, my mindset, I was getting angry that I was unable to relax, so I flipped my perspective to just watching my babies go berserk and having fun with them. The second thing that changed was my breath. Tongue on the roof of my mouth, diaphragmatic breathing, slow inhales, holds, and very slow exhales, and holds - breath control.
The only thing I can relate this to experience is holding your breath underwater. My friends and I will always hold our breath for contests. We would have contests of who could swim down and back across the pool without taking a breath. Done safely, it’s shifts you into the parasympathetic state rest and digest, and even though I didn’t realize this at the time, I now understand the awareness behind being mindful of my breath, which has helped me in my adult life with my stress, anxiety, my performance when I work out, to even a little things when I am subconsciously not thinking of my breath, and it allows me to center in and get my body into the parasympathetic state when I phase any stressful situation. So I can be levelheaded, focused and ready to make decisions that require my full attention.
One of my favorite parts of the National Arboretum is the Asian Collection, filled with such a diverse and beautiful ecosystem. We made it to two spots, first at the red temple, we went through a little detour and discovered a recently cut stump. The shaving still present where once stood a tall & strong tree. Being the giver of nutrients, care, protection, the tree connects an ecosystem / community to all its surroundings of life, above and under. Tree branches grew out and wide to soak in all the light it provides for all underneath to live & thrive.
So being able to sit on the stump, recognizing everything that that tree gave to life around it, to see the beauty around and underneath it. I got to sit still, with the sun hitting directly on us, with the sky’s shimmering in baby blue, allowed me to ponder on this experience. Life will grow again. In order to become who we really want to be, we need to shed our old self to promote growth. By taking an unknown path, we can feel like we are taking a leap of faith or step into the unknown, and the unknown is scary, but knowing you can always go back if it leads you to a dead end. If we hadn’t kept going past the temple and made it to the stump. I would have missed a whole new meaning of beauty, a new sense of life, a new purpose, a new perspective, a reflection on life.
When I think about my culture, my upbringing, being the child of two Korean immigrants, and the 2nd grandchild out of 8. My grandparents came to the US in 1970s with $50, two suitcases filled with kimchi and three children under the age of seven. Thinking back to growing up my parents never did anything “normal”, and neither did my grandparents. Reflecting back on everything they sacrificed and did, I was fortunate to be apart of their lives my entire childhood. Now as an adult, many of the ways I do, see, and think brings me back to my identity. Who I am, how I express love, how I view happiness, success, and life.
So here are some life lessons my mom, dad, halmoni, and papa I saw growing up and now know what they taught me, and how I honor their sacrifice & love everyday.
Family. Honor them. Love them. That is your strong tree. When I wrote this, I didn’t think of that tree to be anyone specifically, but after my grandfathers passing, that tree was Papa. That tree offered protection and guided you since you were brought into this world in his own quirky & weird ways. That tree offers a shelter, nutrients, and life. That tree creates a flourishing ecosystem that is our family, not by choice, but by luck. Family is and always comes first.
2. Circle of Life. As I sat in the field with the water and blue skies, yellow weeds with attains flowers sticking out in hundreds. Charlie sat next to me in the center while Churro ran around in circles created by me holding up my arm up & the leash so he create the perfect circle around us. Then Charlie got up and walked away, and moved to the outer edge of the circle. At that moment, instead of running after Charlie and Churro starting to worry, I just sat and let them be them. Charlie is a very independent dog, he doesn’t like to be cuddled or too close to us, but he needs chooses to be semi close by. Churro is a stage 5 clinger, so he’s always close to us. But sometimes space is needed, especially in your Korean family so you can grow as human being and define who you are.
Immigrating to the US, my grandparents and parents were held to a higher standard, with no option to fail, because there wasn’t any room for them too. They took any job they could, my Papa worked 4 jobs at one point to support his family, his story is similar to countless other Korean and AAPI grandparents and parents, who took jobs where others did it. Small corner grocery stores, laundromats, carry out stores, seafood restaurants. In 1981, my Papa and Halmoni opened up Potomac Fish House right outside Washington DC, and 41 years later my halmoni still works 5 days a week to this day. When I was five my Papa had his first stroke, which led him into early retirement from working the store, so he took on the responsibilities of watching us after school while my dad worked at my grandparents store and then later started his own version of it years later. So many of my memories are with my Papa. While l I didn’t speak Korean and his English wasn’t that great, we got really good at understanding each other’s tone, body language, and each other‘s names. I helped him on the admin side of the business, faxing, dial out, Internet, cell phones, email, taxes, and translating for him at stores. So I would see him every day growing up to fix a problem and he would pay me $20 each time, sometimes a Pizza Hut supreme pan crust pizza, to the weekly trips to the Korean restaurant or even the occasional trips to Golden Corral, because he wanted to use his senior citizen discount + had a handicap sticker and wanted to park in handicap parking lol.
3. The Silent Burden You Carry. Growing up I saw my family go through some of the worst situations a family could go through. Through the Great Recession in 2008-2009, I witnessed so much sacrifice, sadness and loss. I saw each family member change, me included. As an adult today, that silence and suffering stuck with me. Not talking about your feelings, and getting help when you need it wasn’t an option back then. And it wasn’t until I started therapy, and the recent AAPI Hate Crimes rising in the US, brought up more awareness of generational trauma & how similar many AAPI people live. As a child of Korean descent, you carry generational trauma and the burden of war and famine. But you have a silent superpower of resiliency, love and perspective of a better life that is built on on the branches of tradition and family. For my grandparents, they made the decision to leave their home. Everything they knew, breathed and ate in Korea was all they knew. The sacrifice they made, in hopes of a better life for their children & future grandchildren reminds me of the naked branches of a tree in the winter. It is resilient in the toughest days, but beautiful, gracious, unique in the brightest and warmest days.
4. Perspective. As I neared the end of our walk, I sat in the benches behind a bamboo wall. Empty & dark, but the sun still shined through. As I sat, the dogs sat down. I slowed my breath down the point where I felt as if there wasn’t any air in my body. I began to meditate, I closed my eyes, and only thing I could hear was my dogs panting & the sounds of nature. Not too shortly after, I reached a point of peace, uber focus and presence, like I was at the bottom of the pool. Quiet. Peaceful. Calm. In tune with me and everything around me. Something I never experienced before. I guess I hit a point of enlightenment. As open up my eyes, I saw the most beautiful and finest greens, the sun was shining into the trees through a spotlight, so out of curiosity and in further inspection of the spotlight I sat dead center in it. I breathed and saw everything from a different point of view. Growing up my way of life is influenced by four people. My dad, who has always been the logical person in the family. My mom, who has always been a free spirit, coming from a place of curiosity & to try every thing at least once. My halmoni, from a place of endless love, support and strength. Lastly, my Papa, who taught me the pursuit of life. Who took those unknown paths in life for the chance of a better life for his family.
5.Life Long Learner. Something that my grandparents surprised me in life was their ability to learn new skills, even in their later parts of life. My Halmoni, in her 70s picked up painting as a hobby, and now creates masterpieces of beauty in her drawings and paintings. My Papa in his retirement years wrote in a Korean newspaper, was an avid golfer, and never stopped being a business man. Learning a new skill teaches you how to learn, how to be vulnerable and how to become a life long learner. Once you learn the foundation of any new skill, you then learn how to do it your way. Coupled with consistency, watch and see the how you change. As a personal trainer by trade, I thought I knew everything by 25, but boy was I wrong. Two years later, I have grown and learned so much because of the new skills Ive developed and continue to do. Trust the process, commit to you and reap the benefits in the future.
My Papas death was a shock to us. I actually got to speak with him just days after I experienced this moment at the arboretum. I was so happy to see him and chat with him. He was so excited to hear that my sister was graduating from Virginia Tech in a couple days, and we were talking about how I was going to come over to spend some time with him. My Papa was a strong and tall tree. He gleamed and stood out from the crowds. He was loud, quirky, and sometimes was a lot. But that never stopped him from being him. He lived a long life, with good and bad memories. I was fortunate to have spent the last 27 years by his side, and I am so grateful to have learned life from his point of view.
A tree is a beautiful being of nature
From what we can see, from its tall and strong trunk, to the awe of its presence & beauty. A tree has branches, leaves, seeds, and even flowers…
To everything we can’t see underneath and within. What we can’t see is its enduring spirit. We can’t see the darkness, the suffering, all of which the tree goes through in the dark, in the winters, against the seasons, against all odds.
When the tree is flourishing in the beauty of spring, the seeds of that tree is carried into the wind, carrying them wherever the wind may take them. So that they too can become strong, resilient, and beautiful. Those seeds may not have the same experiences or opportunities that tree had, but only the hopes of beating all odds against it, so it too can flourish and become a beautiful and strong tree.
In life, we see the past, present and the future. In order to transform & heal, we must embrace and accept both the light and the darkness in our lives. Because only in our darkness and shadows can we find the light. So we must embrace the shadows, find the joy in everything, in the ups and the downs, so that we can heal and grow.
Papa, your enduring spirit will continue to live on, through your wife, kids and grandkids. Your way, the TK way, have influenced all of us. Even though I am saddened that I didn’t get to say our final goodbye or got to show you my happiness, my love, and success. I know you are in a better place now. Finally, you don’t have to worry.
To anyone experiencing loss or grief: Embrace all facets of life. Sadness is just an emotion, its apart of the human experience. So embrace it. Let it be there. When it comes time to pass, it will pass. Embrace life as a whole, not just fragments. Don’t just chase the sun, start to embrace the moon in your life, because when the sun and moon come together, we can find a perfect union, and live life as we are supposed too.
Kim Tok Kon
5/30/1939 - 5/15/2022
Beloved Husband, Father, Grandfather, Business Owner, Writer, Role Model, man of tradition, talent and enduring spirit